Half a year later...
Where I was and where I am.
Hello, I’m Rachel. I write about nature and creativity to encourage connection and wellbeing.
So, my last post was on the Winter Solstice and the Summer Solstice has just passed. TW - Death, grief and coming to terms with it all.
Thank you for still being here and welcome to those who somehow found me in my absence.
I remember writing that post, I felt more hopeful and positive than I had done in a while. I’d put together a plan for where I was going to take this substack and how I was going to build my new career.
And then the universe had other ideas and plummeted me on a journey that no one ever wants to go on and has taken me to depths I never thought possible.
It’s still too much to talk about in any depth, but instead of celebrating New Year’s Eve and a friend’s 60th birthday, we were in the Royal Sussex County Hospital, with my darling Dad, my rock throughout everything that’s happened to me. Five days later he passed away.
And it felt like my life stopped too. I still struggle at times to see a future, it was hard enough when I just had Long Covid/ME-CFS to deal with.
And so, as Brene Brown says - I am right in the arena at the moment. I’m still battling on a moment-by-moment basis emotionally and physically (I was not ready for the physical effects grief has on you) and then there is all the sadmin to deal with (thank you Cariad Lloyd for introducing me to that concept).
So writing here sunk way down the list of priorities, when just trying to eat and get dressed was hard. Then I just didn’t know what to say. How to explain why I’d been silent? I wanted to write, I wanted an outlet, I wanted to share my experience as posts from others like
and Margaret Soraya had been so helpful. But I still didn’t know what to say. Eventually, I did manage to start (sporadically) posting on Instagram as a way of sharing my world and my words.So - do I just carry on writing Create with Nature posts as before? Putting my new ‘business plan’ into action still feels like a huge mountain to climb so I’m definitely not ready for that. Do I write about what is happening, how am I feeling?
I don’t have answers yet. But I want to start somewhere so here I am. Anna McNuff (who writes
) recently pondered whether to write about the therapy she’s in the midst of - and she has (wonderfully). But the advice is often to wait until after, once you’ve got a little distance. I guess, I do? It’s six months on and I’ve done a lot of work, therapy, thinking, crying, and hugging (I typed that as hygging to start with - as in the Scandinavian concept - I’ve been hibernating with blankets a lot so I guess it’s appropriate) Writing this is a way of connecting with others and it gives me a purpose.Nature and creating have been here with me, every step. They are not going to cure this. Nothing can. But I’m so glad I already had them in my wellbeing toolkit. There were there when I was distractedly doodling in a notebook sitting on an uncomfortable hospital chair, and looking out of the hospital windows at the sea and sunsets trying to remember to breathe. Writing nature noticings in the diary he had bought me for Christmas gave me a sense of the days and the seasons. As winter turned to spring, my garden once again became my sanctuary and I have spent hours drinking tea, pottering with plants, photographing bees, and identifying all the bugs and beetles. Nature noticing brings you into the present, it allows your brain to quieten and your gaze to soften. While I might disappear down an internet rabbit hole working out what something is, I can, at least for a few minutes, escape from the sadness and to-do list. Sometimes, all I have managed to do from the to-do list is go outside.
Creating has been a bit more hit-and-miss. Painting has been sporadic and often frustrating. I want to paint but very little has been satisfactory. Lots of splashing paint around the page and some splashing ink all over myself, my desk and the floor. It seems grief can affect your fine motor skills as well as your emotions.
I have been taking my sketchbook for a wander especially now it’s warmer. It adds an extra layer to noticing nature, an even deeper dive into immersing myself in a place without distraction. A nudge from my partner also meant I finally led a Green Sketching walk with my outdoor club which was really good for me and I will do more as that is a big part of my business plan.
In a bit of a diversion from my usual creating, I’ve also started needle felting and I absolutely love it. One night I needed a distraction and found a kit languishing in the bottom of my craft drawer, two hours later I had a Flamingo! A few days later I added two whales to the menagerie and after a lot of time on Pinterest and buying more needles and wool I have quite a little zoo going, even if some of them are a little odd. It fulfills my need for something to absorb me and occupy my hands yet not take too much brain power, which was the problem with crochet. It’s a lot easier and more forgiving of mistakes than I had imagined. It’s given me a sense of satisfaction and completion that I haven’t had from other creative projects recently.
So, there we go. Thank you again for reading this, and for being here. I don’t know what I will manage to do. I’ve been working up to writing this post for a long time and I don’t know what was different about today that meant my fingers found their way to the keyboard. And I guess if you’re reading this I managed to hit publish as well.
This isn’t going to turn into a memoir on grief (though I now understand why there are so many nature memoirs involving grief). It’s still going to be about nature and creating (and reading). Encouraging others to find nature and/or creativity is still my purpose in life. I might set up a separate thing to write more personal pieces.
Dad was proud of what I was doing here on Substack, he would always comment on what I’d written and nudge me as to when the next one was coming. He supported my shift to nature and art now that teaching is off the table. So, on the days when I don’t believe in myself, I have to remember that he did.
P.S. A huge thank you to my wonderful friends and wider family. Those who are there for me, who ring me, visit me, message me, send cat pictures, give advice, and hugs, and talk about their own experiences. To those who have picked up the pieces that I couldn’t deal with and continue to do so even though they have plenty on their own plate.
Your writing was just so
Hi Rachel - I am so glad your fingers led you back here, via natures beautiful way. Walking with you...